I don't know how long it will take for me to finish this book, but I wanted to post the first draft of the prologue for it here. Please feel free to read through it and share your thoughts with me. Thank you all for your support and advice.
Prologue
It was just after 11PM and the night air was still warm from the long hot day that had preceded it. Excitement surrounded the group of teens in an electric buzz that tickled their senses, adrenaline flowing though them as the light turned green and the roar of engines and squealing of tires rose to an almost deafening level. Both vehicles launched forward, leaving trails of rubber and traces of smoke in their wakes. Steve was driving the Mustang and Randy the Trans-Am. Both fairly evenly matched, even with the various modifications that the two boys had made to their vehicles. Neither seemed to have an edge over the other as they tore down the road, rapidly reaching and then exceeding the posted speed limit of 45MPH.
Angela squealed with delight as her long brown hair flew backward in the breeze over the top of the passenger seat of Randy’s Trans-Am. The top was down, adding to the buffeting of the wind that raced by the car’s occupants. She gripped the arm rest tightly and looked over at her older brother as he shifted gears once more and the unmistakable sound of climbing RPMs emanated from the black convertible’s engine. She turned to her right, looking at Steve who was staring straight ahead and had just finished a shift of his own. The dark green of the Mustang looked almost black in the pale light that surrounded the vehicles as they raced down the empty street.
It wasn’t so much a race as it was a game of chicken. If either boy missed the jump off the line, the race was over, but this time neither had. Now it was about how fast you dared to go before reaching the hill and the blind curve that followed it.
Greg gripped the handle of the Mustang so tightly that his knuckles turned white. He loved the rush of adrenaline as much as the others, okay maybe not as much, but he still enjoyed it. However, it made him very uneasy racing towards the famous hill at close to 100MPH. The hill would be fun, dropping down it at that speed was certain to send you stomach up into your throat. But at that speed, the blind turn would come quickly and it was impossible to tell what or who might be coming the other way. Perhaps it was the danger that heightened the sense of excitement, but that same danger made him very nervous.
“Enough!” Shouted Greg as he felt the ground fall away beneath them and tightened his stomach in a futile attempt to keep it where it was.
Steve dropped back a gear and Randy’s Trans-Am pulled ahead and then banked hard to the right. Steve’s Mustang followed and tires squealed loudly as the two cars drifted into the turn. Randy saw the headlights first and his heart raced even faster, the pounding in his chest overpower the roar of the Ram Air 400 and the squeal of the tires. He aimed for the inside of the right lane and juiced the throttle to correct the understeer. Steve was right behind him, following suite and Randy glanced up in time to see the old man in the passing car glaring angrily, waving his fist in the air and shouting something. The two boys knew better than to stop and raced on, taking a few more turns before slowing down and pulling over.
Just another summer night in Huntsville Montana.
4 comments:
Wow. Once you get past the two run-on sentences at the intro it is purdy darn good. You did a great job pulling the reader into the story there Doob! Gripping.
Thank you.
I've already made some changes to it, but the opening sentences weren't toched. Do you have any specific wording changes that you'd recommend? If so, I'd love to hear them.
Specific, huh? I'll try. The first sentence is only a bit on the long side, but has some redundancy. "...night air was still warm from the long hot day that had preceded it." I think that 'still warm from (descriptive word)day...' or '..that had preceded..' would work. I don't think you need both. The second sentence is the one that really needs a trim- 38 words! Try rewording it or maybe making it two sentences.
I like the way you showed emotion by describing actions of the characters. Such as: "...She gripped the arm rest tightly and looked over at her older brother as he shifted gears once more..." and "Greg gripped the handle of the Mustang so tightly that his knuckles turned white." I think this is much more effective then when you tell the reader how your characters are feeling. For example "okay maybe not as much, but he still enjoyed it. However, it made him very uneasy.." <--That's not bad, but it isn't as good as your other descriptions. I like it when authors paint a picture for me with their words. I feel more involved in the story that way and I like it better than when the author dictates the story to me. Does that make sense?
Oh, and the ending is good. "Randy saw the headlights first and his heart raced even faster, the pounding in his chest overpower the roar of the Ram Air 400 and the squeal of the tires. He aimed for the inside of the right lane and juiced the throttle to correct the understeer. Steve was right behind him, following suite and Randy glanced up in time to see the old man in the passing car glaring angrily, waving his fist in the air and shouting something." A crash at that speed would be fatal, right? And you build the intensity well here. Yet the old man just is 'shouting something.' It's great. It shows how reckless the kids are being. Their actions could have serious consequence, and yet it's- 'just another summer night.' Nice. You captured that carefree teenage attitude well.
Post a Comment